After an abusive relationship trusting again is very hard, almost damn near impossible for me. Trusting anyone with my feelings or my heart is just out of the question. I know that all men are not abusers, but trusting another man with the key to my heart or even allowing them to get close to me will not happen anytime soon if ever.
It’s not that I just do not trust other people, I’m having trouble trusting me. I’m struggling with making decisions. I’m constantly second-guessing myself. I refuse to be a victim again so my sense of security is heightened, therefore I am always watching for the red flags.
As a young girl, I remember when there was an altercation before the first punch was thrown one of the people involved would draw a line and say if you think you’re bad, cross this line. Well, that’s what I look like with my boundary line drawn. I’m not daring anyone to cross the line but I’m prepared should they cross the line.
My sense of security is so high that I often take a different route home so no one will be sure of my routine. In a social setting, I scope out the room and everyone in it. I know where all the exits are and my back is never facing the door. I have an escape plan in mind within the first few minutes just in case I need it.
I read body language pretty good so needless to say I people watch. I can often pick up on the red flags in other couples they have displayed unknowingly during the event. I guess you can imagine that going out after dark means that my guard is on 100 and I’m feeling very anxious.
I’m working through this. I need to trust me before I start working on trusting others, especially a man.
