A few years ago late one night I took 2 Tylenol PM, slid under my warm covers and listened to the Bible as I lay in bed relaxed and awaiting some desperately needed rest. I’m not sure exactly how long it took before I was fast asleep. My body was relaxed and so was my mind. Just as I rolled over to my right side I heard a woman screaming outside my window. Immediately followed by a man’s voice yelling back at her. My heart fell into my stomach. I jumped out of bed so fast I became dizzy. As I stood by my bed I was paralyzed with fear. Was this fear for this woman or for me? My heart raced as I began to think about how can I help her. She’s crying and screaming leave me alone. Clearly, the man wasn’t listening because I could also hear him yelling back at her. I couldn’t make out what he was saying as it seemed to be muffled.
Finally, I headed towards the living room to look out the window. As I glanced out into the darkness I couldn’t see anything but parked cars, and trees yet, I could still hear the voices of this woman and man.
I ran back to my room, grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911. The operator answered and I began to tell her what the emergency was. She said a unit was on the way. I go back to room and noticed that the previous stillness of the night had returned. I no longer could hear the woman’s screams or the man yelling.
As I sat on the side of my bed my mind began to race as memories of my past experiences of nights like this, when I was the woman screaming and crying.
I tried to lay down and relax again. Hoping and wishing that the Tylenol PM would once again carry me away into that far away wonderland of deep sleep and peacefulness.
My wish did not come true. I spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable while a hurricane of terrible memories and emotions washed over me, in me and through me as if I was a coastline during hurricane season.
I finally got up to prepare for work and as I brushed my teeth I looked in the mirror only to see the damage from the hurricane. Dark circles and puffiness from crying and the lack of rest. I felt tired and depressed.
I recognized the woman staring back at me. This was the woman I used to be. This was the woman I had been for 16 years. This was the woman who has lived through many nights like that night. She has survived many emotional hurricanes.
That morning that woman quietly rode to work with me. She listened as I prayed and internally processed every thought and emotion. She listened as I asked God why did she come back? Why did He allow her back in my life? His response was: She is you and always will be you. The Ministry I gave you was birthed out of her pain. Without her how can you minister to My daughters and connect with them emotionally?
So instead of trying to surrender her, I surrendered me! From that day forward I understood that she’ll always be with me and in me but today I have a new appreciation, respect, and love for her. For she is me!
Photo credit: Beliefnet
