Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
This book gives us an inside look into the styles of abusers and their behaviors.
Keep in mind An abuser can have any combination of the different styles and then can also turn into a loving partner for a period of time as well.
- The Demand Man
The Demand Man is highly entitled about what you should be doing for him and makes you feel and tells you that you’re lucky to simply be with him. And yet, he doesn’t give in return or only when he feels like it. Yet, he demands emotional support, caretaking or sexual attention and makes you feel bad if you can’t meet his selfish expectations.
“You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.”
- Mr. Right
Mr. Right believes he is the ultimate authority on every subject, including what you should be doing with your life. To the extent of making his partner regret having her own mind and thoughts on things.
“If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.”
- The Water Torturer
The Water Torturer stays evenly calm in arguments and has a quiet derision (insulting or mocking) and meanness. He can psychologically assault his partner so they don’t even understand why they are so upset.
“As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.”
- The Drill Sergeant
The Drill Sergeant controls his partner to the ultimate extreme in every corner of her life, including what she wears to when she goes out to even interfering with her job. He isolates her from her friends and family by ruining their friendships or forbidding her to see them. He is usually physically violent starting with threats, leaving her always fearful of what he might do (again).
“I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.”
“I love you more than anything in the world but you disgust me.”
- Mr. Sensitive
Mr. Sensitive appears on the outside to be gentle and soft-spoken and uses personal development jargon, meanwhile still being extremely self-centered and demanding emotionally.
“As long as I use a lot of “psychobabble,” no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.”
- The Player
The Player is sometimes good-looking, but always sexually charming. He is always flirtatious, usually promiscuous. He is not actually addicted to sex, but rather to the thrill of using women whenever he wants just because he can. He knows how to make every woman feel she is the most special, but also keep her off-balance, guessing constantly, and feeling jealous.
“It’s not my fault that women find me irresistible. Women seduce me sometimes, and I can’t help it.”
- Rambo
Rambo gets a thrill out of intimidating people, not just his partner. The danger signs, however, are not machoness, but violence and intimidation towards people and disrespect and superiority towards women.
“Female and femininity are inferior. Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions can be made if you behave badly enough. Men need to keep their women in line.”
- The Victim
To hear him tell it, the Victim always seems to be the one that was abused. Watch out for not just anger, but disrespect and contempt when he’s talking about an ex. Or if he claims everything was her fault. Everyone is always wronging him, and he is always blameless.
“It’s justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me, and even worse so as you get the message.”
- The Terrorist
The Terrorist, like Rambo and the Drill Sergeant, is intimidating and controlling, but he also enjoys causing fear in his partner by frequently reminding her how he can physically hurt her or kill her.
“Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.”
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
Mental illness or substance addiction is not the cause of a person’s abuse, but it can contribute to the already existing problem and/or increase the risk of violence. People may call it “anti-social personality disorder” or “narcissistic personality disorder”, whatever you may call it, the signs include extreme self-centeredness—which include being outraged at criticism and that anyone could think they’re anything but kind and generous— and lacking a conscience, thus being able to engage repeatedly in behavior that is harmful to others—including aggressive behavior outside of his partner as well as with her, a criminal record by age 30 even with minor offenses, and cheating. These are both very difficult to change through therapy, claims Lundy Bancroft, who has 27 years of experience with domestic abuse and abusive men, and director of the first program for abusive men in the U.S.
